Emotional Alchemy

I came to the bookstore to find Happiness. I went straight to the self-improvement isle and began searching, looking for an answer to my multitude of problems. I immediately felt like crying. My heart was like the new kid in school who sits at lunch by himself, waiting for friendship to find him. I wanted a title to reach out and grab my hand. Everything sounded cliché: Happiness NOW!, 7 Ways to Satisfaction, etc.... I felt like I was seeking immediate gratification. And I'm not. I want to restructure my life, but I need a little direction. I want to organize my feelings so that I don't continue to to get jumbled up in my emotions and lose sight of my goals again. I always seem to lose focus and forget why and what I'm doing.

I slowed down. I touched the titles with my fingertips. I read the synopses and I opened my mind. In the calm bookstore I bursted, "I'm not crazy!"

A lady passed by the isle and took a worried glance at me. I laughed.

I don't have anger issues or depression for the time being, but I am confused. I've lost direction and don't care about what I'm doing (school, reading, writing etc.) because I don't know why I'm doing it. My future plans are non-existent.

What I do care about is making my Dad proud and maintaining the reputation I have in my family's eyes. I don't feel it's possible to be smart. I feel rushed, like it's never going to happen. I have too many other things going on to actually lock myself in a room and read or study. There are too many other distractions and mobile desires I want to satisfy. I need to destruct all distraction.

I picked up 'Emotional Alchemy.' It was a nice title. It uses Buddhist thought to get the "mind to heal the heart." It was a New York Times Bestseller, that's always a plus, and it looked doable. I bought my self-therapy for 15 bucks. I'll update you on how it works out.